ep. 1

What was the saying again? Take a deep breath and count to 10?

“one two three asldkfmclsoeriflskdi”

That’s as far as I go. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to four.

Life hasn’t been easy. As far as my memories go, I’ve always been troubled. I have always felt like I’m a trapped soul in the wrong body and decade. And so I am always restless, trying to escape this body and reality I was born into. This is done in many ways, both physically and mentally. For example: Physical wise, one obvious example is changing how I look. I straighten my hair since I was 9 years old because I always felt the curly hair I came with is not who I am, it’s a curse along with this body I came with. Mentally, that’s a whole other blogpost hehe.

Even as I’m writing this I have not yet come to terms with myself. My being and my soul is not yet aligned, but I’d like to think it’s getting there. I am getting better at convincing myself to accept my physical being as it is by doing things such as embracing my natural curls. But mentally, I have a long way to go.

Because truth be told, I’ve been running from reality. But I recently found out that you can’t run forever. Life is funny like that. It has it’s way to find you, drag you through the mud, lock you down and cage you in with your darkest fear: yourself. It’s the scariest thing to face head on your mist of darkness/your endless dark pit/your cloudy fog a.k.a accepting the darker truth about yourself. You bury the truth so deep so that no one would find it. You get so good at hiding it you yourself forgotten about it. But life has its ways to reunite you two together again. Nobody in this world would ever want to voluntarily admit that they’re a bad person, or even worse, weak. So you make up excuses and you pretend to be strong. You build a facade and hope everyone falls for it. But it won’t last long because a facade is temporary. The truth is bound to no time.

I’m trying to find acceptance within myself. The good and the bad, they are a part of me. But sometime it feels like I’m drowning in a sea of self-destructiveness, insecurity and fear. Oh, it sure does feels heavy and painful. It swallows me whole and the current is strong. You might even say I’m riding in the tides hopelessness.

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“one two three asldkfmclsoeriflskdi”

“i don’t think i can make it…”

I promise I’m trying with everything I’ve got. I promise I’m putting my feet one in front of the other, baby steps, but forward. I promise I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m teaching myself to float. I don’t want the tides to drown me. I will make it.

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“i have to make it.”

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